Area Man Shoves 74 Wieners In His Mouth — America Rejoices, Victorious In The Only Contest That Matters

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USA! USA! USA! USA!

America may be a pretty shitty place to live right now if you’re black, or brown, or a woman, or LGBT, or somebody with a soul and/or a conscience (or any combination of all the above!), but if you’re a big fat ol’ white dude who loves wieners in your face, oh boy, do we have some good news for you!!!

As you can see (above), Joey Chestnut once again won America’s finest tradition on Wednesday afternoon when he set a new world (!) record by consuming 74 hot dogs at the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island, New York.

An age-old July 4th tradition, this 102-year-old (!) ten-minute-long all-you-can-eat contest has lately been truly dominated by America’s best eater, in Chestnut. And today, he did it again — though he had 64 on screen at the end of the contest, officials later said he actually ate 74. Oooookay…

Eat it up, America! Our roads and bridges are falling apart, our schools are rapidly turning into underfunded lukewarm dog shit, and our leaders are more corrupt and hapless than they’ve ever been, but forget all that, because no one sticks wieners in their mouths like we do, damn it!!!!

USA! USA! USA! USA!

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